Pr0n is all around us these days. It is estimated that in Britain someone is looking at pr0n within 10 metres of where you are. On the continent in places such as Amsterdam and Hamburg, that distance is even less, perhaps as little as 10 centimetres. That’s because European pr0ns are far more advanced than those in Britain. But where did pr0n come from? This article will help answer that question as we take a look at the history of pr0n.
Origins of pr0n
It is a startling fact that pr0n is almost as old as man himself. Drawings of women with their tits out have been found in caves dating back to caveman times. When Howard Carter opened the tomb of Tutankhamun in 1922 he was startled to find hundreds of images of naked women, some of them posing with farmyard animals, inside. He also found several pieces of used papyrus tissues scattered around. On closer inspection of the mummy of Tutankamoun he found that the bandages around the groin area were slightly stiff, like they’d been starched with something. It was believed that Tutankhamoun’s pr0n stash had been buried with him so he could enjoy a swift hand shandy in the afterlife.
Pr0n and the Romans
The Romans were notorious collectors of pr0n. The great Julius Caesar was estimated to own about 40,000 pieces of pr0n which he kept in special scroll racks in his bath house in Rome. However, in those days pr0n was very much frowned upon and it’s believed that many of the crucifixions that took place were because of pr0n. Pontius Pilate was believed to have sent no fewer than 200 men to the cross because they burst in on him whilst he was ‘enjoying a nice read in the bath’ and he needed to stop them from telling anyone. The Roman Empire’s massive expansion was actually fuelled by the various emperors to own the finest pr0ns in the known world and so they sent out their legions to places like Germany and France, which we all know have some interesting specimens. Even Caligula was shocked at some of the pr0ns discovered in Germany. Pissing on each other they were. Dirty bastards!
The middle ages
Most of the pr0ns that existed in the middle ages were siezed by the church as it feared that people would go blind. In those days being blind was a sin, as was having hairs on your palms and punishable by being burned at the cross. Middle ages people were terribly superstitious and believed that blind people had extra supernatural powers and were therefore witches. Hairy palms just meant they’d been wanking too much which was forbidden by the catholic church. So all the pr0ns were rounded up and hidden inside abbeys and cathedrals. Raids on these establishments were commonplace and many a bishop was mugged for a part of his stash. Even today we still use the phrase “bashing the bishop” when we’re talking about viewing pr0n.
Henry VIII
The church took such a grip on pr0n that the very mention of it was as bad as a curse upon the soul. The distribution of pr0n became an underground activity and it was only possible to obtain access to it via very elaborate password systems in secret locations. Henry VIII became so frustrated with not being able get his hands on decent filth that he started his own religion, one that allowed a man the right to tug on the old chap whenever he felt the need. Thus protestantism was created. However, Henry’s wives did not approve of his habits and threatened to tell the Pope so he had them beheaded one by one. Then he got back to his chambers for a swift one off the wrist.
Victorian Britain
After Henry VIII pr0n became once more acceptable and a lot of the painters of the time started painting big pictures of bare ladies. In fact Britain had never had it so good. In every tavern the length and breadth of Britain men were hunched over double humping their fists. This continiued well into the 1800s when, upon the succession of Queen Victoria to the throne, it all came crashing down again. The frumpy monarch discovered a child with several pieces of pr0n that he’d claimed he’d found beneath a hedge in Hyde Park. When she saw the pictures she was horrified at what she found. Worse was yet to come. The camera and photography had recently been invented which meant that pictures could be made a lot lot quicker than painting them. This meant that models could pose in saucy positions without having to stay there for hours. Queen Victoria found some of these pictures at the bottom of her husband’s wardrobe and was thoroughly disgusted at their content – girl-on-girl action. Thus she uttered her famous phrase “One is not amused” and tore the pictures into shreds. From that day forth she refused to believe that women could do such acts on each other.
Early 20th century pr0n
Once again the enjoyment of pr0n became an underground activity. Seedy men sneaking around dimly lit streets in raincoats became the common sterotype of the pr0n afficionado. After a quick revival in the 1960s the popularity of pr0n was once again stifled by some self righteous, meddling old bag called Mary Whitehouse. In America things were even worse. Even thinking about pr0n could land you in prison. Properties were raided as the government sought to sieze all the pr0n. The distribution networks were being closed off. The world was being starved of pr0n.
Pr0n and the Internet
It became obvious that a new strategy was required in order to deliver pr0n to the gentleman’s lap. In 1978 a young student called Bill Gates was messing around with the university computer network when he came upon an idea. He suddenly realised that computers could be used to distribute pr0n more efficiently than ever before. So he invented the Internet by connecting university computer networks through the telephone networks. Within 10 years students were able to share their favourite jazz pics all over the world. Another 10 years later and the Internet started to reach the homes of the people so that they, too could enjoy the exotic European art. As pictures became more complex new technology was developed to transmit the pr0ns at a much faster rate than ever before and now we can download pr0n within the blink of the eye thanks to broadband technology.
The future of pr0n
Thanks to the internet pr0n is available to more people than ever before. What’s more, a drug has been invented to allow people who weren’t previously able, for medical reasons, enjoy pr0n. This drug is called ‘V14GRA’ or to give its common name, viagra. This drug is readily available. All you need to do is set up an email account on the internet somewhere and wait. Within a week your inbox will be filled with helpful information helping you to buy some V14GRA – just look for the messages with ‘Onl1n3 M3DZZZ’ in the subject line. The future has never looked so bright for pr0n. Long may it continue!