Spicy food varies in spiciness so to attempt to describe it I’m developing a scale, from 1 to 10, called the FoJ scale (or Flag of Japan). This is due to spicy food’s knack of tasting great on the way in but causing havoc on its way out the following day. In other words it causes one’s arse to do a convincing impression of the Japanese flag…
The FoJ Scale
| 1 | Very mild | Hardly a tingle at all. |
| 2 | Mild | A slight tingling may be felt but nothing else. |
| 3 | Mild to warm | The tingling lasts for upto five minutes. |
| 4 | Warm | A warming sensation like there’s a piece of ginger biscuit up there. |
| 5 | Very Warm | Could probably melt ice but still comfortable to sit down afterwards. |
| 6 | Hot | Makes you wince when you relax your sphincter. Lasts 5-10 minutes. |
| 7 | Very hot | Uncomfortable to sit on firm surfaces afterwards. Possible smoke damage to underwear. |
| 8 | Extremely hot | Severe pain affecting free motion and thus causing one to walk like Charlie Chaplin! |
| 9 | Excruciating! | Intense radiating high heat. Cannot sit down for the next 30-60 minutes. Underwear permanantly damaged. Shows up on satellite thermal imaging equipment. |
| 10 | Meltdown | Not even Red Adaire would consider tackling this one! Causes constant tears for up to an hour. Why the hell did you eat that? Hans Blix closes you down because of illegal nuclear experiments. |